I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
