if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
