okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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