look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
