cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
