i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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