My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
