The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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