Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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