I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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