he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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