Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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