These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
