walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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