My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
