Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
