the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
