She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
