Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
