and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Found your dick twin last night
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
