You're a womanizer and a bitch.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
