we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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