i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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