I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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