Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She needs sedatives and a leash
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
