Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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