You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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