I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
