I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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