I'm pants shitting drunk right now
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
