I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
