god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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