Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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