sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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