george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
