WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
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He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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