Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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