fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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