Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
