Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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