anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
