you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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