I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I need to stop coming to work sober
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
