If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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