Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
