Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
