I'm jealous of your bromance
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
