I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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