I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
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There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
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Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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