I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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