It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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