I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
