It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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